


Murky Waters (I Might Just Drown)

by CaptainKaysno



Series: Not A Good Man (But You Got Conviction) [4]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: (emphasis on the hurt), Angst, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Love, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 20:05:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18818059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainKaysno/pseuds/CaptainKaysno
Summary: Dying is hard, but coming back to life is harder.And these days Trevor only feels alive when he's killing the ones he loves.





	Murky Waters (I Might Just Drown)

**Author's Note:**

> HI guys! Huge shoutout to Missy for helping me beta and helping me with the summary! Also huge shoutouts to Lunarlover12 for being a wonderful cheerleader and vagrantblvrd for making this universe and being so supportive of me and missy coming in and being like !! over it :D

Trevor is trembling so hard his teeth are clacking. Every inch of him filled to the brim with adrenaline as his brain tries to shred itself. He's freezing even as the hot as hell August sun beams down on him. 

Ryan sits down beside him. He doesn't say a word but he presses his shoulder against Trevor's. Trying to lend him some of that legendary Haywood strength that has been overtaken by the Collins' litheness. Trevor scrubs a shaking hand over his eyes and feels his teeth grinding in his skull. 

"I don't know what I'm doing," Trevor confesses, fighting with every ounce of his non-shaking self to keep the words even. "I don't know what happened." 

"Well," Ryan says, sitting up with his hands on his knees, "You nearly killed Jeremy.  _ Nearly _ . But you didn't." He's kind enough not to mention Trevor's sudden retching, bile rising in his throat. Just waits patiently until he's done before finishing. "He's sitting in the Bat-cave right now with a pretty bad shoulder wound. Jack's taking care of it." 

Trevor draws his knees up against his chest, curling up around himself like a child. He'd be embarrassed but Ryan has seen him like this before. Has seen him at incredibly low points. 

"Trevor?" Ryan's voice is soft, warm, and aching, the exact opposites of Talia's, and Trevor wants to rip his ears off. He doesn't want to be left alone with his thoughts but doesn't want other people's thoughts either he wants- 

"Can you get Alfredo?" he asks because Alfredo has been so good about that. He isn't like Ryan or Talia or Jeremy who each have their own agendas and who are trying- *trying* to fix him or break him or whatever they think they're doing. Trevor needs his own thoughts right now. 

Ryan's hand stops just before touching the soft vulnerable curve of Trevor’s neck. It drops back down and Trevor hates that he's so relieved by it. 

"I can do that," Ryan agrees, voice neutral and carefully not showing his hurt, but Trevor knows. He's burning with grief and regret and hurt and he's so loud with it. All of Gotham should be able to hear it with it grinding against Trevor's found again sympathy for his brother. 

He pulls his cellphone out of his pocket and moves to stand up. Trevor reaches out lightning quick and pushes him back to the ground without a word. 

Ryan nonchalantly sits back down and dials in the number like he hasn't just been forced to stay after pretty much being told to leave. Trevor buries his face back into his knees and focuses on breathing. He needs to stay alive - he isn't totally sure why but he isn't- 

Would Talia bring him back again? 

He stands up on shaking legs, takes two unsteady steps and throws up into the gravel of whatever building Trevor ended up on. Ryan carefully stays his distance and Trevor can distantly hear him talking urgently into the phone. 

After an unbearable amount of stomach spasms - serves him right maybe for not eating in the past 24 hours - he sits back on his haunches and with a grimace wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. 

“Here,” Ryan says, pressing a bottle of water into his hands. 

Trevor wonders at the fact he just happens to carry that with him, but then again, his brother  _ is  _ Batman. Paranoid and overprepared seems to be the family motto.

He takes a small sip and washes his mouth out before spitting it out onto the gravel. Takes another sip that nearly turns into a disaster when he realizes how thirsty he really is. He has to use a lot of willpower not to just drain the whole thing in seconds. 

Ryan gently takes it from his hands and the empty bottle disappears somewhere back on his person. “Alfredo said he’s about three minutes out-” 

Being that close probably means he is a stand-in for backup then if Trevor was really and honestly losing his mind like Ryan thought he might be. Trevor leans back against the building and closes his eyes. 

All he can see is the slice of his dagger straight into Jeremy’s shoulder. A weak spot in the armor that neither of them had accounted for and Trevor’s vision nothing but green. Green until the red started pouring down the blue of Jeremy’s ridiculous Nightwing outfit. 

Then like a flip being switched, Trevor’s entire body froze. 

He hadn’t meant to hurt Jeremy in that way. Never really wanted to hurt any of them he’d just wanted to make them feel-  _ something  _ regarding him. Had wanted them to register him as dangerous, as unable to be stopped or hurt. Not collateral, not a pawn to be  _ used _ , by Batman or Joker or Ta-

Trevor laughs bitterly. He supposes he’s gotten that point across pretty well. 

“Alfredo’s here,” Ryan says, slowly standing up. “Trevor?” 

“I heard you.” 

“Alright, I’ll -” he hesitates and Trevor huffs a small humorless laugh.

“I’ll talk to you later, Ryan,” he promises, lifting his head up from his knees again. “Just - not right now.” 

Ryan nods, even as his shoulders pull tighter. Trevor actually does laugh this time. 

God, the two of them. What a fucked up pair.

Batman disappears into the shadows of Gotham and Alfredo - in plain clothing (smart not to be here as Robin when Trevor is so close to the brink) - closes the access door behind him and sits down. 

“So,” Alfredo says, looking over him with a critical eye. “I can see that Jeremy beat the shit out of you.” 

It’s so unexpected it actually punches a laugh out of Trevor, loosening the tightness of his throat. He reaches up to touch the tender bruise that must be black around his eye, the tears in his suit and stains on his jacket probably don’t help his look either. “I think I kind of beat the shit out of him first. It was his due.” 

Alfredo makes a small noise before shaking his head. Trevor stares at him with furrowed brows but Alfredo moves on. 

“Wanna talk about what made you mad enough to stick a knife in Jeremy?” Alfredo offers. 

Trevor stares him a long second. “Do you wanna know how I’m alive Alfredo?” 

“Not where I thought that this was going but I’m down,” Alfredo answers and Trevor, honestly? He likes Alfredo a lot. So much that he nearly holds his tongue, bites down the words bubbling up his throat. 

He wants to save this to spit it like venom towards Ryan and Jeremy. Let them know exactly how much they hurt him. How much he was willing to hurt them in return. Right now though? He justs wants it out there. Shared with somebody who might be able to give him an objective view of the situation that he’s clearly no longer capable of having. 

Maybe was never truly capable of having. 

“Did they tell you how I died?” Trevor asks because he can never be sure. 

Alfredo nods. “They kind of had to. I was asking too many questions to not have them sit me down and tell me.” 

That makes sense. It also somehow makes it harder. There’s a story behind his words, the implications-  _ Not even worth telling your successor about, are you _ , rings through his mind, voice sounding startlingly close to Talia’s.  _ Had to force them to tell them, didn’t he? _

Trevor sucks in a breath through his nose and starts talking.

“I woke up in this glass box and I thought for sure that the Joker was playing some sort of trick on me. That he’d dunked me in acid... or worse. Then my body went numb, and I thought that- I don’t know. I thought that maybe it was finally over. That the Joker had finally just killed me like I wanted him too. But I started healing and  I thought... maybe Jeremy and Ryan saved me. Maybe I could go back to normal. But then the pain- I mean, Alfredo. You can’t even imagine- Imagine your bones knitting together, feeling every nerve burning-”

He pauses and sneaks a glance over at Alfredo to try and see what he’s making of this. Alfredo is staring away from him towards the other buildings. Obviously listening but not- not making a big deal of Trevor confessing his feelings or whatever the fuck he’s doing right now. It makes it surprisingly easy to keep going.

“Then, there was Talia.” His voice goes vaguely whimsical in a way that makes Alfredo turn to look at him with surprise. Trevor stares back at him, suddenly intent that Alfredo gets it. That he understands exactly how much Talia means to him. “She saved me. I was broken and  _ abandoned  _ but she found me. She taught me how to be strong.”

His lips involuntarily curl into a snarl. “She taught me what a coward I was. What a coward Ryan  _ still _ is - what kind of a man lets others keep making the same mistakes? What kind of a man finds a fucking sidekick after he let Joker kill me?” 

Alfredo’s eyes go wide but Trevor’s blood is boiling inside of him again. Every last inch of him consumed by rage as he realizes that he let Ryan off easy  _ again _ . Let him think that Trevor could be won back by some fucking water? 

That simple regret would be enough to make him blind to the truth?

_ He’s going to tear Gotham to the ground-  _

“Your eyes are green,” Alfredo says, quietly from where he’s still sitting on the ground. 

When did Trevor stand up? When did he grab the Redhood helmet that he’d thrown away earlier? 

He blinks down at Alfredo who is staring up at him wide-eyed. He puts on his helmet, clicks it satisfyingly into place, “I don’t wanna talk about this with you anymore,” he says, voice cold and carefully modulated through the mask, “Do me a favor and tell Ryan that the next time I see him or Jeremy? I’ll cause way worse than a stupid shoulder injury.” 

The grappling hook is already out and on another building when Alfredo calls out to him, “Wait! Trevor-” 

The rest of his words are carried away by the wind as Trevor races away towards his shitty little apartment near the toxic river of Gotham. 

He can’t believe that he’s nearly given up everything. That he nearly gave up every inch of ground he painstakingly fought for. 

He won’t be that stupid again. 

They would pay. They would  _ see _ .

**Author's Note:**

> if you like this please leave a kudos and comment as those are my favorite things!


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